Hello World,
Hopefully I plan to remain anonymous through this process. As what I intend to do is talk about everything quite openly... with all the dirty details quite frankly and in detail.
This blog, is a rather one sided point of view probably... but in my mind represents an untold story deeply entrenched in gay culture.
Why "what i dont get"? well... heres a glimpse into what I am.
I am a proud gay man, I dont deny it ever. My openness is noted by all who involve me in their life.
I'm not one to parade myself though... although from time to time it's just easier to play the 'gay guy'
so why am i writing this blog?
more than anything its a self serving piece of incomprehensible literature to allow myself to vent all that makes me cry and drink wine in the bath tub...
In the last two months I have been or have meet a total of 8 potential partners...
how do i define that or come to said conclusion? well there are series of requirements in my mind that exist. These can be bent to my own selfish needs but always represent a final result. This final result is probably quite intangible but what isn't really.
To be honest im completely fucking insane.. I search for something that feels completely unreal at the best of times. And totally depressing at the worst.
I wont deny that im probably considered one of the lucky ones. All my life, things have been handed to me on silver (or maybe a lesser metal) platter... I was exposed to a world of privilege at young age... after witch a lot of which was snagged away... some might call me a snob, but thats ok... in my mind theres nothing wrong with wanting what you perceive to be the best - and its what you strive for that gives you the justification to do what you feel is necessary.
so beyond the rambling, which i hope has set a scene that represents some of who I am (but probably not). I woud like to present my first story....
I call him: Finger Magic.
A tale of lust unrequited.
Have you ever met someone who takes your breath away with a single kiss? someone who despite your better judgement shows you pleasures that you thought only existing in pornos and that were acted out for our own selfish pleasures.
We'll FM was all that... we chatted for some months, i was hesitant at first to meet someone from this particular site... as i didnt need another notch on my post... something about his forthcomingness though said, what the hell, what is there too lose...
we hit it off right away... his flat mate was none to impressed with our union. seeing as we may have kept him up a little...
drunk text highlighted each others feelings for each other... at least for a little while... initially messages were met with instant replies... then hours would pass... then days...
its almost like i feel into a deep hole..... like i was stuck in Madonna's - "What It Feels Like For A Girl" (apon relistening to that it might not be that most accurate song to describe how i feel - but if you look up rice boy sleeps - it might give you a better understanding)
point being that was... despite lust, longing and wanting being admitted and reciprocated. things went south. within days. Initially i thought shit. you've done it again, you've gone and said, hello world, heres how im currently feeling. now get fucking scared and run the fuck away.
do you know what it feels like to put yourself on the line, time after time. to hope every time, that maybe, this might just be the one... the one who fills your head with little stories about how they've wanted you for so long and they can see themselves possibly spending more time with you...
More time, more time... isnt that what we all need...
more time to experience what could really be...
no one really gives you more time. They only give you the time that they perceive your worth... which kind of brings me in my big circle. even though the world might of been generous to you at first it can alway take away what you want... what you think you need, everything is fleeting... dont every take it for granted... everything and everyone is 'finger magic' someone you think you can spend a lot more time with, only to find out that they have found someone or something better...
Im not saying give up, not at all, to give up is commit emotional suicide. Every experience should be rejoiced and commemorated... wether it bad or good...
I've been through so much shit, shit that a lot of people would understand or choose to acknowledge. But its my shit. and I'm going to own it...
Finger Magic, thank you for a spectacular couple of dates. Im immensely of whoever it is you've decided to go for, but respect that you were honest enough to tell me in the end... ohh yeah i guess i left that bit out of this completely unstructured piece. i guess thats everything then... expecpt the nittle gritty as to why i called him finger magic... i guess ill let your minds wander on that one... lord knows you'll probably come to the right conclusion.
